![]() Anger can feel like a really protective mechanism. You, honestly, might not want to think about what’s really going on when you have an angry reaction (or overreaction). We don’t always want to dive down into those cold waters. 90% of an iceberg is hidden underneath the water, way down deep in the murky depths. They’re huge! And we only see the top 10%. is only the tip of the iceberg.Īs you may already know, icebergs are massive. What we’re showing people on the outside - the punching, the yelling, the fawning, the ‘disrespectful tone,’ etc. Looking underneath the surface of your anger response: They’re valid! But it’s important to explore why you may not have 100% realized that your angry overreactions are actually due to anxiety. Your internal experience and external reaction are your own. There’s no such thing as a right or wrong reaction to anxiety. I want to emphasize that “typical” is just another word for “expected,” but it’s not a stand in for right, correct, or even preferred. And they DEFINITELY tend to miss that it’s really anxiety when that FIGHT reaction comes out. Outside observers don’t always notice that people pleasers are experiencing anxiety, too (that fawn reaction). ![]() If you have a “typical” anxiety response, you’re going to want to run away from the scary event, or freeze and look really shy and quiet. As they become more familiar with their own inner world and feelings they can teach their children to use the skill when they express themselves.“Typical” Anxiety and Anxiety-Driven Anger: The ‘Iceberg’ is a very useful way for people to learn about empathy. This skill takes time to learn and patience is needed until the new skill is mastered Naming feelings enables people to have a wider emotional vocabulary and rely less on anger. The ‘Iceberg’ allows people to name the feelings that occur in their own inner world. This concept can be used in everyday life: This will help broaden their understanding. After they have read out their example, use empathy skills to suggest a few more feelings they may have experienced. Once this is complete ask them to read aloud what they have written. The words may or may not be located under the surface in the ‘Anger Iceberg’. Ask them to cross out the word anger and replace it with another feeling word, whatever other feelings they were experiencing at that time. Some examples of other feeling words that fill the underwater part of the iceberg are:Īfter the ‘Iceberg’ is filled with feeling words ask the person to pick up the sheets that they completed earlier in the session, completing the sentence “I felt angry when….”. Other more vulnerable feelings sit below the surface of the iceberg and are primary emotions, which continue to drive the anger when it is not resolved. Write these words on the tip for the iceberg.ĭescribe the impact anger has when it is inappropriately expressed with those who are most loved or closest to us (write these words to the side of the iceberg):Įmphasise that anger is a secondary emotion. These are words that describe what other people would see when they are angry. On the whiteboard, draw the outline of the iceberg (see below).Īsk the person for words that describe their common experience of anger. It is often the people we love the most who receive the full force of our anger and suffer accordingly to be able to say “NO!”, “ENOUGH!” or “GO AWAY!” and mean itĪnger is a normal emotion and it needs to be regulated/managed and expressed appropriately However, anger is necessary as it helps people to recognise the need for maintaining boundaries i.e. From experience, anger is often scary, abusive and intimidating People mainly experience anger as a negative event. The expression of anger can be destructive or constructive. It is just one of the emotions people experience Recognise and briefly discuss the following points:Īnger is neutral. When completed, the participants put the sheet to the side as it will be used later in the session. “I felt angry when Tom ignored me and did not do what I asked”. When to use: This exercise is used when practitioners work with men to deepen understanding about situations, anger and its consequence in their life.Ĭonducting the exercise: Ask the man to complete the short sentence “I felt angry when….” i.e. Context: This exercise is used to deepen a person’s understanding of situations that involve anger, the range of feelings experienced and its consequence.
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